I just got a call today, from my friend Erik. I've known Erik since about 6th or 7th grade - which puts us in the 25+ year friendship range. He calls once a month or so and when he's in town, we usually end up hanging out over a meal. Occasionally, his lovely wife and kids come along when they are out for a long weekend.
Erik told me something really bothersome that happened to his 13 year old daughter
this week at school. It was bothersome because it really struck a chord with me - a chord that was struck somewhere around 2nd grade and is still reverberating decades later in the back of my skull. But I digress...
Erik's daughter is every parent's dream, not only is she smart, outgoing and beautiful, she is extremely well-mannered and happens to love her parents. Which probably is why one of the cliques that she had associated with last year, wants nothing to do with her.
Apparently, these evil little 13 year old twerps, hadn't seen her over the summer, and they didn't like her speaking to new friends at school, so they decided to unanimously banish her from the clique - via TEXT MESSAGE!!! What kind of freakishly insecure morons do that you ask???? What vile, twisted cold-hearted airheads would text a friend something like that?
Oh yea, pretty much most girls between 7 and 19 that reside on the planet.
Dealing with these idiots is a rite of passage that no one tells you about or prepares you for. It's what I remember a psychologist friend of mine calling in scientific terms, "The Mind Fuck."
Yes, that is exactly what it is and exactly what it feels like and a 7 year old girl can perfect it.
Ask any woman that has had female friends as a child (most of us) and they will tell you about their experiences of being excluded from games of jump rope, picked on about their weight, height, clothing, crying while watching school mates run away inexplicably, or hurl vicious insults - all executed masterfully by their very best childhood girlfriends.
Frankly, little girls suck - there, I said it! They are mistresses of backstabbing, pettiness and group think. At an early age, we learn the unspoken language of taking power, destroying people emotionally and maintaining popularity with the majority...it's amazing most of us didn't grow up to be politicians.
It is vital to know this second language and the unwritten protocol of girls or you will never have a chance to learn how to maneuver through the female undercurrent successfully. You will be outcast, chastised, politely ignored or hated by most women if you don't learn the rules.
Just sit down and watch the TV show MadMen about NY Ad men and the women around them in the early 60's. Women viewers will pick up on all of the unspoken situations involving the female characters that men watching would miss entire. Worlds of information are passed along without a single word or just a few. If you are a guy that watches MadMen, have a woman sit next to you, so she can tell you what you are missing.
Personally, I got fed up with girls when I was 8 or 9 and decided to switch teams...so to speak. Most of my friends were boys until about Sophomore year.
Once I started hanging out regularly with my guy friends, it felt kind of liberating. I didn't have to call them every night to plan what to wear to school the next day and it seemed there was always room for another outfielder if I wanted to play baseball. When boys are mad at you, they tell you or they hit you, then it's over. When you piss off a girlfriend, the next day at school you find out half of your girlfriends won't speak to you and the other half want to know the inside scoop.
It's just a whole different, stress free kind of relationship with males. You can joke around and make fun of them and they don't take it personally. If they make fun of you or laugh at one of your jokes, that means you've made it into the club. Guys just don't laugh at stuff to be polite, it has to be REALLY funny or they won't give you the laugh. Good friendships with guys are more a matter of respect and holding your own. Friendships with girls are more about appearing not to be better than anyone else, but popular enough to be respected by most people in the group at any given time.
Relationships with women are just automatically more complicated - there is a lot more going on, constantly, and you have to be aware of it. With the kind of friendship monitoring that needs to be done with a girlfriend, you end up knowing someone really well. Of course, men have deep friendships too, but I think the rapport is built through shared experiences, verses knowing what makes your friend tick on a deep level.
If you put it in trite, limited, literary terms - men are like an Ernest Hemingway story, entertaining, striking and to the point, and women are like James Mitchner novels, lots of detail, nuance and require an investment of time. Both have their merits, but sometimes, you just want a good story, without having to wade through 1500 pages. And sometimes, it's the other way around.
Now, it might sound like I'm bashing the girls here, but in truth, once they grow up, they truly grow up. I have made some incredibly loyal and good female friends over the past 10 years and really enjoy their generosity, sensitivity and friendship. My female friends are funny, well-traveled, creative and very smart - I wish I had met them in grade school!
Getting back to my friend Erik's daughter... My suggestion to her would be to choose friends based on how kind, compassionate, secure and trustworthy they are, male or female. Lose the ones that don't meet your criteria. Remember, you set the bar for yourself, don't let anyone else do it for you. When you look at your friends, do they represent the best aspects of you? Are you proud of them and their behavior?
It seems like the evil monster girls that enjoy texting poison pen letters, have crossed themselves off your list - and you are well rid of them!
If you do it right when you are young and pick great people to be friends with, you'll be on the phone 25 years from today with one of them.
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3 comments:
I think that its children that can be cruel. I am sure that boys can attest to the same (or parallel) tortures from their same sex cohorts at that same age.
The one observation I will make about cruelty overall though, whether it comes in the form of girls, boys, women or men...it almost always, almost invariably stems from insecurity.
The sad thing is that some kids just never outgrow it, and do actually grow up to be politicians (bad ones that is).
Absolutely - no child escapes torture from their friends. Personally, I still endure torture from friends at regular intervals ;)
I think because girls seem to have the edge on communication and social skills earlier than boys, they generally engage in more verbal and social smack downs.
Let's face it, girls usually don't go running around hitting each other physically, but they can definitely make you FEEL miserable and ostracized with a few unkind words.
Personally, I never was treated badly by male friends or even punched actually... That said, most of the nasty verbal altercations I remember from grade school came from my girlfriends - even some physical pushing and threats too.
The worst thing the boys did to me was make me go to that first Star Trek movie and waste a perfectly good Saturday afternoon. Bastards!!!
I DO want to make it clear to all your dear, fair readers that being a male friend of yours for, oh, SO many years that I have NEVER hit you! Even when you deserved it!!
Yes, yes, I know that it has taken deep wells of self-control, but damn it, I was willing to brave the temptation over and over.....
Oh yeah, great article, btw...;-)
ps, we need to talk some 'Mad Men'!
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