Revenge: You gotta love it!

Ah, sweet revenge...truly one of the most satisfying things I can think of...

I saw the new Tarantino movie, "Inglourious Basterds" this weekend and started thinking about the psychological satisfaction of getting revenge. I won't give away the movie, but the basic premise is about an elite squad of Jewish American soldiers in WWII that terrorize the Nazis. Granted, this is a fantasy with historical & gruesome overtones, but it gives you a sense of pleasure seeing the Nazis get their just desserts, even if true events didn't play out exactly as portrayed. It got me to thinking about how satisfying it is to even the playing field, teach someone a lesson or literally take an eye for an eye. Even just the thought of getting even can sometimes be enough to quell the sense of injustice you might be the victim of.

Granted, I was born a surly scorpion on a dark day in November, which is why I love revenge almost as much as I love chocolate and small kittens. I don't think of myself as an evil person, in spite of the 666 prefix on my phone number - I just think people that do naughty things should get payback.

Revenge is an important part of teaching life lessons and helping misguided people evolve to become a better version of themselves. It's kind of Biblical if you think about it - I take that "Do unto others' line to heart. In my view, if you can help some wayward soul see the error of their ways, you are actually doing them and countless other potential victims of their negativity a big service. Revenge is a reaction to vengeance inflicted - it is a secondary, defensive action that would never have been launched without due cause.

Keeping that in mind, revenge should not be ventured into lightly, the action against you should be large enough to really piss you off, not just annoy or peeve you. It is also important that the other party, by most reasonable people's standards, did something ABSOLUTELY wrong and hurtful that required thought or conscious planning to inflict.

Here's a little test - which of these people deserves wrath?

a) Someone steals the parking spot you have been waiting for
b) Your best friend sleeps with your spouse

If you answered b, you are correct, if you answered a, you need to enroll in anger management classes.

That said, it is important to have a well-thought out plan on how to exact revenge, while also teaching a lesson and staying out of trouble yourself. Remember, revenge is not fulfilling if you get into trouble for it.

One of my favorite examples of revenge was inflicted by a friend of mine several years ago. Her husband had invited a friend of his to stay a week at their house about a month after they got married. It was supposed to be temporary and the house guest was just thrust on my friend, with no prior discussion.

Well, after 3 months, the house guest in question was still there and her husband refused to have him leave. In this case, there were two culprits, the husband and the house guest. Fortunately, my friend had two important pieces of info on the house guest: he was wanted in another state for a drunk driving offense and he had not paid taxes to the IRS in years.

She asked the guy one more time to leave and he refused, so she went upstairs, called the police and explained that there was a fugitive from the law in her house that needed to be picked up. Someone without an air tight plan, might have stopped there. However, to ensure that this house guest would never return again, she called the IRS and gave them an anonymous tip with information about where they could find this guy to get their tax money. She figured an audit would keep him busy for a while.

Needless to say, the house guest was gone that day, no one knew who tipped off the police and IRS and she got her house back. Her husband was shocked by the events that day , but she suggested that it should be a lesson to his friend to never drink and drive, because the long arm of the law will find you. (With a little help)

The point is, she didn't vandalize or set fire to anything, she had a solid, rational plan. (yes, she did eventually kick her husband to the curb)

This type of revenge isn't on the same scale as the Inglourious Basterds, but she assured me it was extremely satisfying nonetheless.

Frankly, people need to understand the importance of consequences. They can't just go running around like selfish heathens without payback.

Sometimes an act of revenge can be instantaneous after a situation has been assessed. My sister was at the mall one day and saw this woman angrily beating her small toddler in front of everyone. I think the woman even bit her child at one point. Everyone was shocked, but no one did anything until my sister stepped up and started screaming at the top of her lungs something to the effect of: "This woman is beating her child, call security!!! Get security over here right away, this woman is abusing this child!!!" She followed the woman all throughout the mall yelling for security and security eventually showed up. Apparently, the woman became so disconcerted (and hopefully ashamed) she ran for the parking lot.

How good did my sister feel after this event? Fucking great. At the very least, I doubt that woman would try hitting her kid in public again, at the best, she was called out in front of dozens of strangers for behaving in a disgusting, inhumane manner and maybe she has dealt with her anger problem because of it.

Ideally, we are on this planet to help each other evolve and be better. Sometimes taking revenge is the best thing we can do to help our fellow human beings see the error of their ways. Ultimately, it is up to them to change, but a thump on the head might coax them in the right direction.

Getting back to another Tarantino film... Sam Jackson's character in Pulp Fiction saw himself as the righteous man, the shepherd, just trying to help God keep the weak flock from doing evil. I'm not sure if he is the best character to make my revenge point, however I did like his quote:

"There's a passage I got memorized. Ezekiel 25:17. The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you."

I'm not a religious person, but I do like the concept.

So if you want my advice, get out there and make the world a better place through taking revenge ;) You might want to memorize the passage above, it will probably scare the crap out of your favorite evildoer.