I must start with an apology for the blank space I left on my blog between April 22nd to present. It seems Life has an annoying habit of rearranging my To Do list regularly.
Life is such a micro manager.
I imagine you assume I must have been doing something fun during my time off - it is summer after all, right? Surely, I must have skipped town at some point?
Was I island hopping around the South Seas? Was I enjoying rum drinks on a deserted Mexican beach under swaying palm trees? Is it possible I succumbed to the siren song of Bali Hai and only recently mustered the will to drag myself back to L.A.?
Sure. Let's go with that.
OK, let's put down the Mai Tai's for a second, so I can focus on the topic that's been on my mind...
Being the former cultural anthropology student that I am, I can't help but notice that love and social relationships between people are being drastically and completely redefined by the current generation. Not to say that this hasn't been in the works for a while, but the sheer number of people participating in this unstructured movement is really what's striking to me.
When I say, "Love," I'm not referring to the "undying" devotion that a hot, 300 year old vampire might have for a surly, 17 year old, waif in a summer block buster. I'm just talking about love between consenting, non-dead, adults.
Now that I've taken "vampire-human love" off the table, what could I possibly be talking about that is of any interest ? Here goes...
There are two things that I've been intrigued with most lately: 1) That people are attempting to change societal parameters that define love and how it can be expressed 2) That people are individually re-defining what love is to them.
I believe this change is primarily a phenomenon of western culture in the 21st century. In all of the world's history, I don't think such a large group of people has literally taken such a big jackhammer to social structure & societal expectations. That said, it's hard to take such dynamic and swift action without repercussions...
Who are these people attempting to change age old societal parameters with regard to love?:
- Gay rights advocates get civil marriage licenses granted to same-sex couples in about 10 American states and in approximately 19 countries - including Argentina most recently
- Couples preferring to live together vs. getting married
- Older women marrying and dating younger men (Guilty as charged!)
- More people choosing to marry people of different faiths, races and backgrounds
- Single women choosing to have and raise children without a spouse
- People having sex before marriage and using birth control regardless of their religion's code of conduct
Societal and religious expectations that are considered too rigid are being disregarded by throngs of people. In exchange, people are embracing a multi-faceted and more tolerant concept of what love is and how they can express it within the bounds of society. In the short-term, some people may suffer by pushing the envelope, either by being discounted or completely ostracized by their families or communities.
Most of these "social anarchists" take solace in believing that one day they may get to love who they want, in the manner of their choosing, without being the focus of negativity or judgment. When it comes down to it, maybe their fight might in fact, liberate us all.
Let's face it, one size, does NOT fit all - I know this because I was at Macy's last week.
With that in mind, are we willing to recognize that there are all sorts of people that have different views & inclinations and might even love people that are different from the people we love? If we let them have what they want - does it mean others will be diminished or does it mean we will have more choices too?
So, let's say I'm gay and have been with someone I love for a long time and want to have the legal protection of a marriage license, do I need to forgo that legal protection because the IDEA of my relationship makes people I don't even know, uncomfortable?
I'm sure I would think about the legal rights my partner and I were being deprived of every day...but I wonder if those faceless people out there in society, that don't approve of my sexuality, would think of me every day?
What about the other end of the love spectrum? There are also people fighting just as hard to OPT OUT of what society condones rather than OPT IN. Sort of like the evil-twin to the gay person WANTING to get married, there is a straight, perfectly "normal"person that is completely UNWILLING to get married. I know what your thinking...anarchy is afoot.
If I choose not to marry, does that threaten someone else's marriage? Probably no more than my marriage ruins someone else's single life.
Maybe you don't have the desire to get married or haven't met the right person, or prefer not to get married, just for the sake of getting married. This kind of shenanigans can be perceived as disruptive and threatening too. It's just not..."normal."
Want to add fuel to the fire? Let's throw in Demi Moore & Ashton Kucher and society has a one way ticket to hell in a hand basket!
Society is all of us of course, but the largest sub-sets of society tend to make the cultural rules. However, it seems that smaller groups are gaining support from individuals from the larger groups in society. For instance, people that support heterosexual marriage, might also support gay marriage and younger men marrying older women - so they sit in multiple camps. That doesn't mean everyone crosses over, BUT, enough people are comfortable with alternative choices, that they have helped bring non-traditional views to the forefront.
Where does that leave the so-called mainstream people, that don't care to cross over? Well, in essence, exactly where they are. No one is going to nullify someone's happy 30 year marriage or give their 2.5 kids to a single mother in a commune...the real threat may actually come in the form of new choice and options.
I can't help but think in some cases, someone might perceive new choices as threats to them, if THEY made the wrong choice originally. Maybe options weren't available when they made their original choice and they resent the idea that others might have those options now. It also might lead to evaluation of their current relationships, which could create turmoil. That said, these are clearly internal struggles, not something that comes from outside people or new choices.
The general reaction when people have the option to love and live as they please, probably is more mundane.
The traditional people go on happily with their lives and the non- traditional folks get to choose their style of expressing love, their decisions respected by society. Not exactly the apocalypse.
Look at the laundry list of politicians, movie stars, athletes, business people, civic and religious leaders that have been entangled in scandals regarding their sex lives and relationships in the recent past. Apparently, no one has cornered the market on functional, perfect relationships, not even the straight or married people. If that's the case, it might be more honest to just realize that some people have good relationships and some have bad ones - regardless of the individuals involved.
My feeling is that this new sea-change is more about a need for personal authenticity and a desire to love oneself and others with integrity. I don't think it's about destroying marriage or the family unit, or creating discomfort or bastardizing love in any way. I think more and more people just want to be honest and open about their lives, what they want and who they love.
Frankly, I don't feel like stopping them.
OK, before you go back to your Mai Tai, let me know what you think by typing your comments at the bottom of the post.
Hope you are enjoying your own summer of love!
