I must start with an apology for the blank space I left on my blog between April 22nd to present. It seems Life has an annoying habit of rearranging my To Do list regularly.
Life is such a micro manager.
I imagine you assume I must have been doing something fun during my time off - it is summer after all, right? Surely, I must have skipped town at some point?
Was I island hopping around the South Seas? Was I enjoying rum drinks on a deserted Mexican beach under swaying palm trees? Is it possible I succumbed to the siren song of Bali Hai and only recently mustered the will to drag myself back to L.A.?
Sure. Let's go with that.
OK, let's put down the Mai Tai's for a second, so I can focus on the topic that's been on my mind...
Being the former cultural anthropology student that I am, I can't help but notice that love and social relationships between people are being drastically and completely redefined by the current generation. Not to say that this hasn't been in the works for a while, but the sheer number of people participating in this unstructured movement is really what's striking to me.
When I say, "Love," I'm not referring to the "undying" devotion that a hot, 300 year old vampire might have for a surly, 17 year old, waif in a summer block buster. I'm just talking about love between consenting, non-dead, adults.
Now that I've taken "vampire-human love" off the table, what could I possibly be talking about that is of any interest ? Here goes...
There are two things that I've been intrigued with most lately: 1) That people are attempting to change societal parameters that define love and how it can be expressed 2) That people are individually re-defining what love is to them.
I believe this change is primarily a phenomenon of western culture in the 21st century. In all of the world's history, I don't think such a large group of people has literally taken such a big jackhammer to social structure & societal expectations. That said, it's hard to take such dynamic and swift action without repercussions...
Who are these people attempting to change age old societal parameters with regard to love?:
- Gay rights advocates get civil marriage licenses granted to same-sex couples in about 10 American states and in approximately 19 countries - including Argentina most recently
- Couples preferring to live together vs. getting married
- Older women marrying and dating younger men (Guilty as charged!)
- More people choosing to marry people of different faiths, races and backgrounds
- Single women choosing to have and raise children without a spouse
- People having sex before marriage and using birth control regardless of their religion's code of conduct
Societal and religious expectations that are considered too rigid are being disregarded by throngs of people. In exchange, people are embracing a multi-faceted and more tolerant concept of what love is and how they can express it within the bounds of society. In the short-term, some people may suffer by pushing the envelope, either by being discounted or completely ostracized by their families or communities.
Most of these "social anarchists" take solace in believing that one day they may get to love who they want, in the manner of their choosing, without being the focus of negativity or judgment. When it comes down to it, maybe their fight might in fact, liberate us all.
Let's face it, one size, does NOT fit all - I know this because I was at Macy's last week.
With that in mind, are we willing to recognize that there are all sorts of people that have different views & inclinations and might even love people that are different from the people we love? If we let them have what they want - does it mean others will be diminished or does it mean we will have more choices too?
So, let's say I'm gay and have been with someone I love for a long time and want to have the legal protection of a marriage license, do I need to forgo that legal protection because the IDEA of my relationship makes people I don't even know, uncomfortable?
I'm sure I would think about the legal rights my partner and I were being deprived of every day...but I wonder if those faceless people out there in society, that don't approve of my sexuality, would think of me every day?
What about the other end of the love spectrum? There are also people fighting just as hard to OPT OUT of what society condones rather than OPT IN. Sort of like the evil-twin to the gay person WANTING to get married, there is a straight, perfectly "normal"person that is completely UNWILLING to get married. I know what your thinking...anarchy is afoot.
If I choose not to marry, does that threaten someone else's marriage? Probably no more than my marriage ruins someone else's single life.
Maybe you don't have the desire to get married or haven't met the right person, or prefer not to get married, just for the sake of getting married. This kind of shenanigans can be perceived as disruptive and threatening too. It's just not..."normal."
Want to add fuel to the fire? Let's throw in Demi Moore & Ashton Kucher and society has a one way ticket to hell in a hand basket!
Society is all of us of course, but the largest sub-sets of society tend to make the cultural rules. However, it seems that smaller groups are gaining support from individuals from the larger groups in society. For instance, people that support heterosexual marriage, might also support gay marriage and younger men marrying older women - so they sit in multiple camps. That doesn't mean everyone crosses over, BUT, enough people are comfortable with alternative choices, that they have helped bring non-traditional views to the forefront.
Where does that leave the so-called mainstream people, that don't care to cross over? Well, in essence, exactly where they are. No one is going to nullify someone's happy 30 year marriage or give their 2.5 kids to a single mother in a commune...the real threat may actually come in the form of new choice and options.
I can't help but think in some cases, someone might perceive new choices as threats to them, if THEY made the wrong choice originally. Maybe options weren't available when they made their original choice and they resent the idea that others might have those options now. It also might lead to evaluation of their current relationships, which could create turmoil. That said, these are clearly internal struggles, not something that comes from outside people or new choices.
The general reaction when people have the option to love and live as they please, probably is more mundane.
The traditional people go on happily with their lives and the non- traditional folks get to choose their style of expressing love, their decisions respected by society. Not exactly the apocalypse.
Look at the laundry list of politicians, movie stars, athletes, business people, civic and religious leaders that have been entangled in scandals regarding their sex lives and relationships in the recent past. Apparently, no one has cornered the market on functional, perfect relationships, not even the straight or married people. If that's the case, it might be more honest to just realize that some people have good relationships and some have bad ones - regardless of the individuals involved.
My feeling is that this new sea-change is more about a need for personal authenticity and a desire to love oneself and others with integrity. I don't think it's about destroying marriage or the family unit, or creating discomfort or bastardizing love in any way. I think more and more people just want to be honest and open about their lives, what they want and who they love.
Frankly, I don't feel like stopping them.
OK, before you go back to your Mai Tai, let me know what you think by typing your comments at the bottom of the post.
Hope you are enjoying your own summer of love!
4 comments:
Summer of Love 2010, eh? Hmm...must be on an opposite pole or something because in my world it's still a Winter of Discontent 2010! Just kidding. Not really.
Well, you hit on quite a big topic in a relatively small space. The idea that we, as a country and a culture, are moving into a new, more evolved society is a heartening thought.
But, I have doubts that we are as far along as you think we are. There is still a pretty strong block of what I will call "Antis". As in 'anti-' anything that moves people out of their comfort zones and allows others to express and exercise the freedoms that our government and culture has 'promised' all citizens. (I know, call me Mr. Negative...)
Although, I will admit that my point of view MIGHT be skewed by what I see in the media. We all know that the media focuses on the extreme ends of our society...otherwise who would ever know anything about the Teabaggers?! If we rely on the worldview that Fox, CNN, MSNBC, ABC, etc. all present us, we'll become a nation of people who truly believe that life is black and white and mostly dangerous.
I think maybe the most heartening thing that you point out is that people seem to be finally coming to the realization that life if gray. One can still believe in a God, even if their religious leaders and dogma tries to convince them that God 'hates fags'. A person can believe that a woman was borne from Adam's rib, yet realize women are indeed the equal of men in every meaningful way and vice versa.
As long as the chorus of voices that seem to be rising continues to do so, I believe we (as not just a nation, but a world) can drag those resisting kicking and screaming into the 21st Century. (And, you gotta know they will be kicking, scratching, screaming and spitting the entire way..but its for their own damn good!) But, it won't be easy.
I like big topics and I know you do too, so I'm glad I could count on you for a comment.
Of course there are Anti's out there, Mr. Negative, what would the world be without people trying to regularly take you down? Don't you enjoy a challenge?
That said, the mainstream media isn't always the best judge of what's mainstream. Media typically focuses on where the action is - they rarely do lead stories on the mundane.
I think statistics tell the story better than any news source - because that's a true snapshot of what is actually happening.
For instance, As of 2005 in the U.S., 4.85 million unmarried couples were currently living together, and as of 2002, about half of all women aged 15 to 44 had lived unmarried with a partner. (Wikipedia)
This is a phenomenon of the late 20th century and seems to have been championed by millions in a relatively short time.
A 2003 study by AARP revealed that 34 percent of all women over 40 in the survey were dating younger men, and 35 percent preferred it to dating older men. BAM!
Granted, these women get called names like, "Cougar" and the men that date them are called "cubs," which I assume is used to emasculate them in some way, but these dating stats and marriage stats keep getting higher every year.
Interestingly, a bunch of new articles telling women they will die younger if they marry a younger man are what you get when you do a Google search on this type of relationship. (Culture doing its best to stay the course)
Whatever.
Statistically, married women are the most miserable category according to marriage/single life happiness polls. So, maybe a younger husband is doing his wife a favor, if she was going to get married anyway.
If enough people push harder to love who they want, these niches grow over time. They may be discouraged, condemned, etc., but if what we see in past trends is true, these niches will be accepted by society at some point.
Not everyone is going to sign on to change, but as long as a majority to supports it...the culture changes in spite of the nay sayers.
In this case, patience is a virtue.
I think the internet has something to do with broadening people's horizons. And I don't just mean the wide variety of porn that is now easily accessible (so I hear).
It's now a lot easier to find like-minded people, as well as to investigate new points of view.
As you say, this change has been coming for some time, but it's still pretty recent. Remember what a big deal it was for Ellen to come out on her sitcom? That was 1997 (I just looked it up). Sometime around 1987, I remember one of my Psych professors offering her opinion that being bisexual meant that someone had a mental problem. (She thought being gay was ok, but being bisexual meant you were confused and needed help.)
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